Friday, May 21, 2004

Think twice about going religious

Some sad office in Heaven found it amusing to turn of the hot water when I was going to have a shower this morning. I found it quite injustifiable and decided to have a complaint filed in the Holiest of Heaven office archives, so I got on the phone.

Operator: Operator.
Me: Information.


Op.: Information.
Me: Give me the Holy Lord on the line.
Op.: You what?
Me: The creator of all things that were, are and will be; God himself.
Op.: You're kidding me, right?
Me: Far from it.
Op.: I mean, I've heard the song. Don't try to play me.
Me: Song? What song?

[The operator begins to sing the well-known gospel: "Operator, information. Give me Jesus on the liiiine."]

Me: What's your name?
Op.: Who, me? Why?
Me: I'm going to mention your name in my complaint if you don't put me through to our Lord ASAP.
Op.: This is a serious request?
Me: Naturally!
Op.: I never thought I'd live to see the day. Hold on, sir.

[Cheesy elevator music for half a minute, then a recorded answering machine: "You've reached the praise & complaints departement of the Holy Lord's Heavenly Offices (HLHO). Press 1 for praise, 2 for complaints, 3 for salvation and 4 for information."]

I pressed 2.

"You've pressed 2: Complaints. Thank you.
You're number 480,156 in line. Hold on."

"God damnit!" I exclaimed, pressed re-dial and 1 for praise.

"You've pressed 1: Praise. Thank you.
You're number 4 in line. Hold on."

[Cheesy music again. .. Playing with the telephone chord..]

"Praise department of HLHO. How may I help you?"
Me: I'd like to file a complaint.
HLHO: Hold on I'll put you through -
Me: No! Don't put me through, there's like half a million people on that line!
HLHO: And?
Me: And I haven't got all day, now, have I?
HLHO: But, sir..
Me: Don't you "but, sur" me. Put me in front of that queue, please.
HLHO: I can't, sir.
Me: Christ!
HLHO: Hold on, sir.
Me: What?!

[Another round of cheesy elevator music. Some midi compilation of Tom Jones' "It's not unusual etc.."]

Then, in the sympathetic voice of Michael Jackson:
"Holy Christ speaking.."

Me: What?

Jesus: Son of the Lord; Jesus Christ.

Me: Oh..
[20 sec. silence]

Me: So, I wanted to file a complaint.

Jesus: Hold on, and I'll put you through.

Me: No, don't do that, eh.. Jesus. Can I call you Jesus?

Jesus: Sure thing, my son.

Me: Yeah.. So, Jesus, what's up with removing the hot water when I was going to have a shower this morning? I can't say I find it funny nor justifiable.

Jesus: Mmmmyes. We had a party up here last night, you see.

Me: What? I thought you were all like playing harps, hanging around on clouds all day.

Jesus: All day, yes. That's when we're hung over.

[Interrupted by a piercing "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" on the other side.]

Me: Hello? Jesus?

Jesus: Hi. I'm sorry about that. The Holy Ghost ate some mushrooms that he shouldn't have, and now he's all over the place.

Me: Oh. Well. About my complaint..

Jesus: Listen, we get all sorts of complaints sent up here, but most of the time we're far from responsible. It's been around three thousand years since anyone came through our filtering-system.

Me: Oh, Who was it?

Jesus: Just this farmer named Job. He'd lost everything gambling, so in order to save his self-esteem he blamed us for killing his wife and kids and all. It turned out that Belsebub actually had put a part-time demon on his ass, just to amaze my father in order to get a raise.

Me: Poor bastard! That's not the case here, I can assure you, so what about my complaint then?

Jesus: I'm really not sure how much your shower this morning is relevant to the situation at hand, you see?

Me: What situation would that be?

Jesus: For starters we've got a world going down the drain, partly because my oh-Holiest-of-fathers declared the Divine Disco opened. Ever since that, we've been kind of buissy pleasing the Lord's will to make everyone happy.

Me: How long has that been going on? (If it's not too bold.)

Jesus: Not at all. The Divine Disco was declared on Archangels, angels and saints a couple of years after my home-coming party. In your space-and-time perspective, I'd say about two thousand years.

Me: Let me git this straight. The world's closing in on Judgement Day; we can see symptoms of war, non-belief and lastly the absence of hot water while trying to have a shower this morning, and this is all because one party the Holy Lord commanded everyone important up there to participate in. Am I right so far?

Jesus: You're absolutely right.

Me: Well, that's pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Jesus [in awe]: The Lord works in mysterious ways..

Me: Don't give me that crap!

Jesus [getting angry]: Now, listen ye!

Me: No! You listen to me! Things are falling apart down here and you guys sit around on clouds getting pissed and smoking weed? Right?

Jesus: More or less, yes..

Me: Well, when do you guys plan to take som freaggin' responsibility? In another to millenias?

Jesus: No one knows for sure. God wanted to amaze Isaac Newton when he arrived. You've heard of Newton, right?

Me: Yes.

Jesus: So, he took ol' Isaac out into space, fed him a couple of pills and told him to reconsider his theories of physics.

Me [annoyed]: What has this got to do with anything?!

Jesus: Well, around the time the wars were raging down in Europe, Earth, and so on, He'd decided to have a field trip to check out how Isaac was doing..

Me: Yes?

Jesus: Let's put it this way: it turned out to be a trip, all right.

Me: God got high?

Jesus: God is the highest of all, my son, thus He is capable of getting even a little higher... Last time I saw Him He was still recovering.

Me: All right, then. May I ask with whom I'm supposed to talk to, then?

Jesus: My son -

Me [interrupting]: I'm not your goddamned son! Come to the point!

Jesus: I could put you through to the Holy Ghost, I guess.

Me: God forbid!

Jesus: No, why should He?

Me: Nevermind.. I'm not talking to that annoying fella, anyway.

Jesus: Then it is I you want to talk with.

Me: No worries. I'm sure the water will be back by tomorrow.

Jesus: That's the spirit, my son!

Me: Anyone else I should say 'hello' to before I hang up?

Jesus: Not right now.. St.Peter is over at the angelic departement trying to get some.

Me: You mean.. he's gay?

Jesus: Sure thing. He turned homosexual somewhere around the 14th century. Said he got all aroused by the plague and all..

Me: I thought you were strict on that. Cardinal sins and so on..?

Jesus: No, we're quite liberal up here. It's supposed to be a happy place, right? It's you guys who don't get it.

Me: Oh.. [...]

Jesus: Yup.

Me: So.. Son of God, eh?

Jesus: The same.

Me: Any Godly advice to share with me and my fellow humanbeings before I hang up?

Jesus: Make love not war..?

Me [under my breath]: Goddamned hippie..

Jesus: Go in peace, my son..

Me: Yeah, whatever.

Jesus: See you soon!

Me: Don't count on it!


Consider this a warning if you should ever turn to religious help in times of desperation. The bureacracy of the Other Side ain't any better than here. It's worse actually. And that Mel Gibson? He's a goddamned liar..

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